“No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.” – Alice Walker
Saints Constantine and Helena c.1350
What if that person is you?
Seems like I only talk about trials and tribulations lately. The saga with my birth-father is never ending. My dad’s family is as loony as ever – especially with my cousin’s recent alcoholism induced death. I am really glad that my dad is relatively normal (and absolutely fabulous).
I seem to go through a spiritual shift every couple of years and I may just be smack in the middle of one right now. The emotional topsy turvy of it sure feels like it. I have been so agitated that I can’t even settle down to While I never question my foundation, I am often unsure as to whether I am on the same path – where the way in which I choose to express my faith (which fundamentally doesn’t change) ceases to feed me spiritually.
Although I was raised Lutheran, many years ago, I chose to worship as an Orthodox Christian. I was initially attracted to the organic and holistic worship of the OC, as well as the healthy balance of scripture and tradition of its theological foundation. But something changed along the way – most likely me. I used to have somewhat of a “whatever” attitude.
Being “out” has always been complicated at church - whether intentionally or non-intentionally, I’m not sure. I think it is more complicated than that either or paradigm. I’ve never felt guilty or ashamed for being gay. Nor do I feel more or less sinful than the next person (at least not due to my sexuality). I always felt that if we are truly made in God’s image, then he could not have possibly made a mistake in creating me as I am. Based on that premise, I have felt no need to abuse myself emotionally, psychologically or spiritually.
I am human though and do desire acceptance and belonging. I knew being openly gay would not fly in the Orthodox Church. I avoided all relationship questions and felt horrible doing so. I felt like I was lying, hiding and denying who I am - to myself and others. I’ve tip toed around the issue when attending various Lutheran congregations – ELC are fairly accepting and felt more comfortable in those parishes. I am currently proceeding on a case by case basis. Yet, not being university out is extremely uncomfortable for me. I am out in all other aspects of my life.
LGBTs of Faith
I hate hiding. THAT makes something “seem” dirty and wrong. I’ve grown increasingly unhappy about it. Without much recourse in the environment I was in, I decided to scope out some other congregations in the area. I was on the verge of giving up and dropping out of the church-going population, when a friend introduced me to her pastor. After several weeks of chatting and tweeting back and forth, he finally cornered me one Sunday. I really didn’t have anything preventing me from going to church and I was most certainly not going to lie to a man of the cloth, so I decided to venture out.
This will be the first year in quite some time where I am not celebrating Pascha in an Orthodox Church. Actually, I keep going back and forth about whether I will start Lent on Feb 25th ot March 2nd. I feel so torn and lost about this. People have asked me what the big deal is – Christian is Christian. Yes and No – I just don’t think it is that simple. I can’t imagine any mainstream protestants making a lighthearted jump to Eastern Orthodoxy or even Roman Catholicism (save for high church Anglicans).
Pascha (Easter) is my second most favorite time of the Church year. I start to get excited as early as Theophany. Just the thought of journeying through the resurrection of our Lord and shouting Khristos Voskrese! Voistinu Voskrese! fills my heart with such joy! Yet, yet – my most favorite moment in the church year is Cheesefare – Forgiveness Sunday holds a special place in my heart. I know, that is a bit odd, but…yeah, I will leave this for Sunday’s post! 
With that being said, I feel like I am at a crossroads. I’ve attended a Russian church for several years now. I value the liturgical practices, whether based on scripture or apostolic tradition, as well as the holistic approach to living Christ-centered in the world. Yet, some of the cultural practices cause me pause. The liturgy is in Church Slavonic. The sermon is in Russian and the only portion of the liturgy people actually understand. Most parishes are far too ethnic and somewhat insular. As a convert, I often felt not quite a part of the club. There is no sense of evangelism and reaching out beyond their own community. Fellowship is mostly non-existent. I need these things – community, fellowship, purpose beyond my own back door – in order to grow spiritually.
I’ve spent much time in prayer and meditation about this. There are many liturgical traditions of the OC that remain important to me and that I will surely miss. Yet, what do you do when you no longer feel spiritually nourished? What do you do when it is unlikely that that you will grow spiritually without making a move? At what point do you surrender and move on?
Ash Wednesday and Maundy Thursday aren’t exactly the most popular services in the non-denominational crowd where I now lurk and yet they remain the most important dates on my calender. I won’t be marking my forehead with ashes today and on some level it pains me. But the rest of the year, my need for a place where my blended family is welcome trumps all. No church is perfect, even though I keep wishing it was. But I’m happy with where I am now and I know God has placed me there to learn some very important lessons.
Thank you for this Alice Walker quote, Kathrin. So, so true. I have joined and unjoined several churches in my lifetime, realizing I do not really go to church for the people who are members, though I do enjoy the fellowship. It’s been better for me to worry more about seeking God’s face than finding that perfect place to worship.
Rosetta – You are definitely right! There is no such thing as a perfect place of worship. Yet, in some ways it is still about community and fellowship for me, so the church community dynamics is vital. I definitely do think that we are called to be Christians in the world on a communal basis as well as individually!
The thing I love most about The Well is that the sense of community does not stop at its doorstep, but that they’ve really embraced the “shaping and sending” vision. I was probably hooked on this congregation when I first heard one of the pastors articulate their mission in those terms.
Dorie – I cannot thank you enough for introducing me to The Well, Todd, Gary, Rachel, et. al. I am so glad that you are in my life.
First, a little theological detail. You said, “I always felt that if we are truly made in God’s image, then he could not have possibly made a mistake in creating me as I am.”
That is a theological mistake. Humanity is fallen—not the way it was created. NO ONE at this time is the way God created them. The whole point of the spiritual life is to FIX ourselves, so obviously we are not the way we are suppose to be.
The Orthodox Church is responsible to care for gays too. Unfortunately, the predominant opinion among the OC is that gays have some control over their feelings, and that is simply not true. That is a misconception that needs to be dispelled. Another problem is a failure to distinguish between being gay and having gay sex. Any sex out of marriage is fornication, but being gay is not fornication. These are two very different things from a sacramental point of view, but they tend to be treated the same. Allowing gay marriage would immediately open a door to resolving that problem, but if it were not for procreation, the OC would not have marriage anyway (early christian couples often lived as brother and sister). Marriage is not just acknowledging love, but forming a family structure for bearing children. There is also the imagery of a man and woman becoming one that gay marriage does not fit. Yes, gays can adopt or have children in vitro, but how much meaning would there be to marriage without the procreation element?
Anyway, that is my two cents worth.
The whole procreation thing holds little weight. Thousands of hetero folk have no intention or and never actually procreate.
Also, this is not only an OC issue – the idea that heterosexuality is innate and queerness is a choice is predominant in much RCC and protestant rhetoric. The OC has NO monopoly on that position.
I have to disagree on your “theological correction” – we are made in the image of God. Genesis 1:27. Yes we are fallen, but we are also made in his image. They are not mutually exclusive?