Whoever said that silence is golden, was out of his or her  mind!

For better or for worse, I am surrounded by noise almost every waking hour. Whether it is engaging with people at work, going out with friends, stuffing headphones in my ears, or constantly having some news program on at home (MSNBC is my preference), I am surrounded by noise at every turn. I find comfort in noise. I am not at all comfortable still or in silence. I have an incredibly difficult time shutting off my mind.  I meditate regularly, but that is the only time I am able to slow my mind down and achieve something resembling mental calm.

That is, until I crawl into bed. My mind races as soon as my head hits the pillow. I think about everything I thought, said and did during the day. My mind goes into a tail spin. Instead of sinking into sleep, I am wide awake a revisit my day’s activities and the thousands of things I need to get accomplished during the next day.

Last night was just one of those nights. After a long week that seemed to never end, I decided to crawl into bed around 10pm. I barely finished watching Rachel Maddow. I had to will myself awake through the last 15 minutes. Then, my head hits the pillow and I was wide awake!

I tossed and turned for an hour. Left side of the bed, right side of the bed, and then to the foot of the bed! On  my stomach. On my right side and left side. On my back. With blanket. Without blanket. Everything to no avail. I was wide awake.  I finally got back up and sifted through my Google Reader. After another four hours of reading I felt tired enough to drift off. So the ritual began anew – turned TV off, closed porch screen, and off to bed I went. Samson even cuddled up with me. After another 30 restless minutes I was out.

Restless nights are a direct reflection of my stress level. To say the least, I am uber stressed right now, especially at work. NSC’s annual gala is coming up in 26 days and there is still so much to do. I have several free lance gigs on the table too with deadlines quickly approaching. I need to find new and/or better ways to de-stress. I need to work out more and to make better nutrition choices. You may be hearing more about my quest to practice a healthier lifestyle, my quest for balance.

And, then there is the most important thing – I am being more intentional about making my social life a priority, re-connecting with friends I have fallen out of touch with, meeting new people. After sitting on the dating and kink sidelines for more than two years (post about this to follow shortly), I recently got back into the game. The kink part is considerably more complicated and loaded. Nevertheless, earlier this summer I dated the lawyer. One date turned into 3 weeks. Ultimatley we’re too different and shared very few interests, hobbies and political opinions. In fact, she dislikes politics or any debate thereof, has little interest in investing herself in social justice causes and dare I say was apathetic toward sex.  I noticed that even before we had sex. She didn’t even like talking about liked and dislikes. This is a massive deal breaker. She called me more than I called her, which probably is telling about my interest than anything.

Then came the series of first dates that didn’t go anywhere – the farmer, the mechanic, the coach and the one I still don’t know what she does exactly. She “works on things’.  Can you tell the conversation was lively? There was no spark, no interests in common. Conversations felt forced and shallow. Definitely no chemistry, no desire to fuck on my part. Those are signs, neon flashing signs.

I have met all of these people via friends or friends of friends. One I even met at a networking event. So, I am going to try something new – online dating.

Stay tuned….